SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS INCOMING YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
I am.writing these final thoughts as a way of lifting the last weight off of my shoulders. After this, I am finally free and have nothing weighing me down..
I think I literally unironically fell in love with them, both FWMC and their RM, and it actually sent me into a spiraling psychotic schizo breakdown. I think starting around August, or whenever Mococo first got really.
My life revolved around them. I thought about them when I woke up, when I went to sleep, when I drove, when I shopped, literally every waking second. Every moment I was just thinking about these two, whether in domestic, intimate, romantic, or casual casual it doesnt matter because every single thing I did, I imagined them doing. I literally ended up quitting my job many moons ago cause I hated being "away" from them. I couldnt even superchat much at all anymore cause I had no more income + bills to pay (main reason I complained about money during BD... Luckily I had savings.)
When I missed out on their meet&greet after Breaking Dimensions, I unironically came cloae to almost fucking killing myself and I'm not kidding. Isn't that insane and stupid? They didnt even do anything wrong... I ended up staying up for two days straight, and was unironically trying to look for a way to buy a "scalp" a meet n greet ticket (you cant).
I couldnt go on like this, so my solution was to cut back and take a short break. I replied less, chatted less, and skipped many streams but nothing was changing. I was getting worse and it was causing me to overthink... Like what would happen to me when they eventually retire and potentially get married? Am I gonna turn into that guy from Perfect Blue and go even more psycho than I already am? Will I realize they got everyrhing they ever dreamed of and built a beautiful life for themselves while I psychotically waited for them to swoop down and marry me. Am I just gonna rot away until I'm 40 wacthing other people fix their lives, improve, have fun, and be happy while I'm one year off from wizardy? Will I become resentful and angry?
I realized I am not fit to watch vtubers or engage with idols in any way and must completely cut off, entirely disappear, and leave this hobby forever.
I'm too autistic for girls as sweet/caring as them. A broken man will literally fall in love with a girl he's never met as long as she's nice and sweet to him. And FWMC were nice and sweet...
I think ultimately I kinda realized I'd been missing out on real human interactions/connections which drove me to this level of overattachment. Human beings really aren't meant to be alone. It doesnt matter how asocial or introverted you are, every single person needs to have friends, family, and at least an attempt at some sort of relationship. Connections make us human and give our lives purpose, even if theyre hard, frustrating, and humiliating at times...
Breaking Dimensions was unironically the most fun I'd ever had in my life and it helped me to realize all of this. Havin fun with everyone distracted me from my feelings of unrequited love for them. I was just having fun with a bunch of people who shared a similar interest as me. I want to get rid of all my memories of vtubing/idols except for Breaking Dimension. That's a memory that I want to keep forever.
The only regret I have is letting myself get this attached with 0 railguards to keep me from going insane.
I didnt write a letter and will never have a "final goodbye" with them. I was not their first, their only, or their #1 fan. They have thousands of fans and plenty of long-term who will stick by them. But me?
I only had them.
I cut off everyone I cared about, quit my great job, wasted countless hours doing nothing, and almost killed myself all because I was romantically "in love" with two streamers/simgers who play games while wearing anime avatars. Its kinda funny when I put it like that... lol... I am going to become a complete normalfag, live the normie life, hang out with my family, make friends, lift, get a gf(even if its an AI robowife), and completely limit my time on the web.
Have a good one bwos.
