>>91727520>The musical begins with the same prologue narrated by Liz...GOOD: IRySsa descending from royalty instead of heavens makes sense thematically. It grounds her narrative a bit more, gives her a tangible flaw: privilege. Also sets up the class dynamics later, which you kinda explore.
CRITIQUE: “Royalty” is generic AF unless there’s a cultural hook or backstory. Flesh out her kingdom more, or else it’s just “Princess got tired of palace life, lol.” Weak sauce without context.
>IRySsa takes to the streets in disguise, searching for companionsGOOD: Classic trope, but tropes work for a reason. You nailed the setup: IRySsa choosing her team rather than fate just dumping them on her. Feels proactive.
BUT: Hexa loudly outing IRySsa immediately cheapens the disguise setup. What’s the point of stealth if she gets "unmasked" like a Scooby-Doo villain in scene one? Hexa feels too much too early. Save the bravado for when it hits harder. Maybe she suspects IRySsa first, creating tension?
>1ST SONG: OUR PROMISE (NORMAL VERSION)GOOD: Solid choice for setting group dynamics and idealism early on. It contrasts well with the darker remix later.
BUT: You’re relying on “promises” and “secrecy” a lot already. Feels rushed—why do these random girls agree to her quest? IRySsa’s offer of “power, women, fame” is great for a cynical mercenary pitch, but the girls don’t seem like mercs. Add personal stakes here.
>Namu’s witch story, 2ND SONG: MUMEIGOOD: This moment shines. The eerie campfire vibes add tension, and Namu’s solo reflection makes her feel real. Strong setup for her isolation theme.
BUT: Why are the others immediately dismissive of Namu? Isn’t she part of the team now? Give the group a more natural reason to leave her alone, or it feels like “Plot Is Happening” syndrome.
>Faelyn and the Ent fight, 3RD SONG: LET ME STAY HERE (REMIX)GOOD: Faelyn manipulating the Ent to look like a hero? Peak morally gray girlboss energy. Love it. Plus, her charade charming Namu is chef’s kiss for later conflicts.
BUT: The Ent fight itself feels like filler. If it’s just to “prove” Faelyn, make it scarier or more pivotal—right now it’s a speed bump. Also: do they question Faelyn's command of nature after this? If not, why not? The group isn’t dumb.
>IRySsa’s royal insecurity, 4TH SONG: MOMENT OF MY LIFEGOOD: IRySsa’s internal conflict lands. Her feeling useless hits close to home and humanizes her. This is needed—she starts off kinda OP (princess, leader, glowing).
BUT: You tell us she’s envious of the group but don’t show much teamwork competence on their part yet. Faelyn and Hexa have their standout moments, but Kora/Namu need to shine more before IRySsa spirals.
>Kora’s antics at the church, 5TH SONG: DAYDREAMGOOD: “Kora decides to make them hers using her time magic”—this slaps. Creepy, selfish, and it differentiates Kora as the most unhinged of the party. You’ve set her up as the “chaotic hedonist” of the group. I dig it.
BUT: The group immediately leaves her? Weak conflict resolution. They should fight her harder on this morally—make it messy. Right now, they ditch her like an awkward Tinder date.
>Hexa hijacking the sermon, 6TH SONG: RxRxRGOOD: This is hilarious and perfectly Hexa. The girl just wants a stage. Great use of her arrogance.
BUT: Why doesn’t the preacher fight back harder when she ruins his hymn? I want panic in the crowd, whispers of “Is she the dark lord?” Something bigger than just “chased out.” Raise the stakes.
>Group argument leading to SYNCHRONICITY PART 3GOOD: This is where things heat up. Everyone’s secrets spilling? Chef’s kiss. IRySsa, Faelyn, Hexa, and Namu all snapping feels deserved. Hexa calling out Faelyn’s performance ties it all together.
BUT: Kora’s role in this fight is weak. She should own her selfishness and call them hypocrites. Otherwise, she fades into the background.
>Finale: OUR PROMISE (REMIX)GOOD: Ending with the thrones cracking as their eyes glow is haunting and perfect. The transformation from adventurers to something darker is chilling. I’d pay to see that curtain close.
BUT: The “dark lord” was never actually defined. Is he a real person? A role they unknowingly inherit? Lean into the ambiguity or clarify it; right now, it feels like a placeholder.
OVERALL:
You’ve got a solid skeleton, anon. The songs are great, and the character arcs have potential, especially Faelyn, Namu, and Hexa. The tone flips between whimsy and darkness nicely—feels like a blend of Lord of the Rings and Madoka Magica.
BUT: Pacing is fast, conflicts resolve too easily, and Kora feels undercooked compared to the rest of the cast. Slow down the character moments. Make the fights and arguments hit harder. If you do that, this rewrite slaps harder than Hexa’s stage entrance.
Rating: 7/10—I’m intrigued, but you can push this further. Would watch.
