>>94275015I have been where you have been. I have also found someone who I could hold onto. Her name is Taffy. It was an obsession, I'll admit, but when I thought of her, I felt like I could walk through my depression on the ground of faith. She was a guiding star for me during very bleak ..
It only took a turn when I felt that this attachment was distracting me from interacting with the real person behind Taffy and I developed an even worse obsession... I was losing my sense of my own identity and who I was. Eventually I took a break to face reality and was able to interact with her in a better way, although I'm still working on trying to be better and less toxic.
Look, what you're going through isn't being a "schizo". First off, there are more proper names for it. You can call it "limerence", for example. It's an obsession over another person, beyond a crush. It doesn't have to be romantic.
Secondly, a lot of these things just stem from having a rough childhood and facing a lot of stunted development during that period. You're not defective. You're you. You're unique. A lot of creativity can stem from these "defects" people will tell us to fix.
But more than that, just love yourself. Treat yourself right. We all find crutches in life to make it easier for all of us. That's okay. You found Neppie. That means you still desired to look for a way to make life bearable. You have the will to live inside of you because of that seeking you did. You want to live! You deserve to! You deserve to find something to make life easier, and that's what you did. I'm proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself... but also love yourself.
Ground yourself. Take a step back a bit. Think about your response to her being mad at you. Catch yourself feeling like she's mad at you. What do you feel? Don't push it away. It's telling you something. Try to see if it matches what her actions and words are saying. What's her tone of speech? Who is she addressing?
Be mindful of these things. Be mindful of the moment you're in. It's not easy but if you have to, take a break from watching her and see what that does for you. What thoughts come to mind? Scrutinize everything and challenge them. It's so easy to get caught up in the sinkhole of emotions. I know you said you think she hates you, but does she, irrefutable 100% hate you, with documentation and her words and actions cited as proper source? I doubt it... but I know your emotions are only trying to tell you that.
