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Honestly, no, I'm far from okay. Over the last half year or so I've been falling back down into paranoia and anxiety induced panic attacks almost every day. During them, I end up hurting my closest and only friends, the only people in the world I still live for. I had an explosive confrontation with a few of them earlier last week, where they both revealed to me that, over the last few months, I've been incredibly hurtful and emotionally abusive and manipulative, when I've never been that way before. To know I hurt them in this way is the hardest thing I've ever heard, and I can't forgive myself.
I can't bear to lose them and to keep hurting them. I just want to get better and do things with them like we used to for all these years. I love them more than anything else in life, and I feel like trash for all I've done.
