>>7283940i'm high, i'm just gonna vent to you guys if thats ok. i'm 20. i've never felt physical affection or been on a date before. i'm not ugly or autistic or anything, i've just suffered from depression which has made me extremely antisocial. i enjoy personal company, but i don't enjoy being around strangers or crowds.
combine the fact that it takes me awhile to get comfortable around people with the fact that i don't enjoy strangers, and it quickly becomes extremely hard to form connections with new people on a longer term basis. the effect of this never ending cycle on me is that i'm extremely lonely and i don't want to be, but it feels impossible to escape. the frustrating thing is that i am normally very charismatic. if you ask those who know me, they'll tell you i can talk your ear off and that i'm a great conversationalist. a friend of mine who broke through will tell you that if you don't know me it's like pulling teeth to get me to say more than a few words at a time.
i live about two and one half hours from my hometown, to go to university. all of my friends from the past, who i mostly made all out of convenience or from my preteen years when i wasn't a recluse, go to university there. a guy i consider to be my best friend is one of them. he was a nerdy robot when we met, and eventually became really popular and wealthy. he understands my situation, and when i'm home, will drag me out of the house (literally drives me to and from [no car because uni town is small]) to kickbacks to hang out and meet new people a few at a time, because i don't like crowds. if i'm being honest, this is one of the kindest gestures someone can display towards me. i feel guilty about it, actually. i don't want him to feel as if he has to do this for me. i've spoke with him about it before and he said he didn't mind at all, and that, although it's only about 15 minutes one way, he enjoys the drive a lot because we get to talk and share music. i can't help feeling bad.
1/x
