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I feel like a lot of the time I have something wrong with me. I wouldn't say it's diagnosable, though maybe it is, I'm not a doctor, but it's enough to make me wish I was 'normal'.
I don't know what it is, maybe anxiety? Depression? I just know my mental state fluctuates a lot, causing me to do impulsive/self-destructive/anti-social things.
I've got plenty of things going for me; I'm healthy, I exercise a lot, I'm more attractive than average. I have good friends, I live in a great city, and generally I enjoy life. But a small fraction of the time, I honestly wish I could trade all of the positive attributes I have now for a feeling of 'normality'.
I got over most of my personality problems when I came to uni. Taking myself out of my comfort zone was the best thing I ever did.
I don't regret 'wasting' some of my teen years being shy and introverted, I'm glad I'm a different person now. There's nothing I can do to change the past.
What bothers me is that no matter how much I've changed, and how infrequently I feel like my old self, I still get episodes of bad thoughts, unhealthy habits and taking some weird pleasure in being solitary. Although I've become more sociable/confident and learned to control my problems, they still come back from time to time.
I know it's good to have alone time, but sometimes I just blow off casual social engagements, telling myself it's because of money, time, work etc but really it's just because a small part of me deep down is scared of not being good enough, and so I revert to my old self because it feels safe.
I hope I can get over it one day, it's just so hard though.
