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I'm winning, but I'm tired of winning. I'm tired of the weight of being 'better', of being above. I'm tired of the amount of work I have to put in, twice, thrice as much as expected, because I was born poor and everything is harder because of that.
I'm tired of having to find reason within my own mind to consider myself good at something, because I'm too insecure to feel strong without comparing myself to other people. I'm tired, because even when I don't try, I'm seen as different in some way.
I'm tired of being so good at speech but so bad at human relations. I'm just so fucking exhausted.
It's like I'm amazing at doing things that are good for everyone. I'm such a natural leader, such a social person, such a funny man, such a beautiful young adult, but I'm always feeling alone and disposable. I'm so great at doing things that don't make me feel comfy when I go to sleep.
I'm tired, folks. I'm tired. I'm not even sure I'm great at any of the things that people say I'm great at. I often think I convince myself I'm good because if I'm not good at that, I wouldn't be good at anything. Truth is I don't know what I'm good at. I just want to be wanted.
But I feel disposable and unnecessary. It's like I'm not special for anyone.
I know it's not true, but the sensation doesn't leave.