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Because OP, at the end of the day, we're all looking for love and affection from others.
Sooner or later, most learn the only thing that makes a happy life are the relationships you have with others.
But love isn't a one sided game. For others to love you, you need to learn to love yourself. It may sound rather cold, but the old adage of "One must love themselves before they can expect anyone else to love them in turn". While this isn't entirely true, finding someone who can offer you unconditional love and support may be the key to bring you from a point of self-ambivalence to self-love. However, you do need to get past the point of self-loathing.
Finally, remember that no body is perfect, no one should strive for perfection either. Knowing this, it is pointless to continue to dwell upon past mistakes with regret and longing. The past happened, nothing can change that. However, as I've stated before, the future is in your hands. You simply need to realize the next step is literally a second away. You can, right now, inquire about emotional support with your college's mental health facilities. Or find a local mental health professional. Or speak with some of your other friends, and express just how much you care that they are there for you.
