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My only friend hasn't spoken to me in longer than usual. I still see him online, so I'm hoping things are alright on his end, but it's been taking its toll on me mentally. A middleschool paranoia of mine came back almost a decade later, a thought of "I could die anyday and I have no way of preparing for it" that refuses to stop. What makes it more stressful is that I'm an artist with a number of OCs, most of which are extremely personal and precious to me - I'm scared of thinking what will happen to my art when I die. I don't want it to fall into unwanted hands. I tried talking to some other people about it, but they're just completely dismissive about it. I've already had bad things happen to my characters when others touched them and seeing people talk about how much they wanna violate random unrelated characters online makes me scared of people discovering my art and doing the same to my characters. I feel like I've never seen a person who'd be attached to their characters as much as me, and that makes things worse, because I can't find people with relatable experiences. I haven't felt a bond with anybody besides family members since I was little, that one friend is pretty much the only exception (what makes this especially emotional for me is how I'm 100% sure it's not a gay thing, but an actual manly friendship that I haven't had for ages). We even joked around once how we could finally see each other in person soon, but the corona shit pretty much sank that idea, too. What worries me on top of that is how I'm usually hated for being way too optimstic about things, yet this month I can't convince myself it's all gonna go well. I wish I could live forever just so I wouldn't have to be scared about this. Even my thoughts are messier than usual thanks to all this.
