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I live in UK currently going through College. I'm quite good at languages so I do 4 subjects and 2 of them are languages. The rest though are hard. I'm trying my ass off to get good enough grades to push for a University like Cambridge. None of my family has ever been before, we're foreign from Lithuania, grew up in Italy and left a few years after the crisis of 2009 when it was too hard to make a living for a single mother. I want to make her proud. It's good to be ambitious, I always have been but... What if they're right? What if I'm just not as good as the rest. 15% admission rate hasn't scared me until a month ago. After the exams... I've also been going through mild bipolar for a few months. I've seen it full on.. It terrifies me. Its only mild, i'd be happy and suddenly feel with dread and go quiet. I somewhat feel it but I just don't evoke the feeling like actual patients would. I've been dealing with it though, gym has kept up motivation.
There is something that stands above the rest. Every once in a few days I get relentless visions, like short films that put together last 3 minutes if counted per day. I see mostly my girlfriend either committing suicide, being assaulted, cheating, it makes fantasy and imagination take over, the mind fears what it can't know. It freaks me out because i've never been truly jealous, I don't reckon I ever could be, but.. the paranoia, once it kicks it, it doesn't stop. It's as if my consciousness makes fun of me.
Sorry for the massive paragraph, I'll post two papes. Goodnight/Goodmorning Anon.
