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don't really have a sad pape, but found this today and it's pretty accurate of my life thus far.
12.5 years ago I got an STD, i was kicking drugs, working on getting off the streets, and addressing my psyche as to figure out why I'd behaved certain ways up until that point.
Long story short, because of many different factors (most beyond my control) I decided to die alone, rather than pass on the burden of consequence to even 1 more person on this planet.
For a very short period of time, I was reaching out to be understood, and met with constant belittlement telling me that "my problems weren't real" so I stopped looking to be understood, or feel like I wasn't alone.
I've tried my best to do what good I can on this planet while I'm still here, but knowing that in order to guarantee others safety, I had to sacrifice any semblance of a worthwhile life.
I once cried 11 years ago because I was hugged and realized I'd forgotten what it was like to be touched.
I don't know why I'm posting this...I don't even have the energy to break down all the INB4's that I anticipate are going to result from saying this, even if at worst it doesn't just get ignored completely.
Ultimately, I hate myself further for speaking about it because I don't want to be a burden or a downer to other people.
I've moved the goalposts so many times about reasons to be alive, what the meaning of life/happiness is, the process of healing, etc...
I'm not allowed to kill myself because life is a precious thing full of potential and it'd be a disrespect to the magnitude of life's beauty in the first place.
But fuck if I don't think about it all the time.
Not as much as I used to, which at one point was almost every 30 minutes...
TL;DR:
No, I'm not winning, and this is a TL;DR: so, don't waste the effort to go back through. I wish you all happiness, health, safety & success.
