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I'm going through a lot of mental problems these last 4 months. I'm starting to accept who I am more, and open up to myself. I'm trying to get more in touch with my emotional health. I'm doing great in college, engineering degree, that used to be the only important thing to me, but I'm trying to make more things important. I'm on the edge of addiction to cigars, I really want another one but I know I'll lose control and fall into addiction if I try another, I get those genes from both my parents and I can feel it strongly towards any substance. What I really need is another long term partner. I opened my tinder search to all genders, mainly looking for more friends, and decided to meet with a mtf for the first time. It was nice, they passed as a woman, still felt wrong, there were a lot of things I wasn't willing to do on the first night. I get a msg the morning after they don't vibe with me and don't want to see me again because I basically wasn't gay enough. Something I'm learning is how badly I deal with the loss of a potential friendship/relationship of any kind, and all these tinder hookups I've been having are taking a serious toll on me. I have nothing bad happening on my life right now, but I'm feeling extremely depressed and beating myself up over things I never would have 4 months ago. I don't know what changed back then, it's like a whole new part of my brain was switched on, I feel more emotions than I used to, and I get oddly emotional at things I shouldn't. I might start talking to a therapist, but I know I'll need someone to walk me through the whole process, because I've been on my own and extremely productive for myself to a fault, I need a break, I need someone 's shoulder to lean on. I don't have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff to, I'm far more experienced and very different from all my friends, I've tried. I'd be suprised if anyone read this. Here's to a new year
