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I feel so overwhelmed all the time recently, despite doing a whole lot of nothing. It feels like a constant concoction of decision paralysis, procrastination, ambivalence, anxiety, self-loathing and hopelessness, and it just swirls around in my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. It's always there in the background mingling with my good days - if I'm lucky, if it's a really good day, it feels like it's not there at all, but I know better. In my 20's I had severe depression and anxiety, but now approaching my late 30's, it feels different. I would definitely say I am depressed and anxious, but it doesn't feel raw and aggressive and easily tied to any one feeling like it did back then. It just feels like a natural side-effect of my current lifestyle and the climate around me and there's only so much I can do about it. It's like being beaten to death with pillows. Everyday I'm getting smacked around, but it can be easily ignored cause the blows are mostly soft, but if it's kept up day in day out, every second of every day for years, then eventually it's gonna hurt, or at least drive me insane. Not sure what the point of this rant is. I am really fortunate to have the kind of life I do. Not luxurious by any means, but I have everything needed to live comfortably. Doesn't stop me from feeling so lost, though. I felt like I had my shit together for years and things were looking up, but it's more like the circle I walk around gets bigger, so it takes longer to get back to the start. I at least feel a bit of hope that these problems and feelings can be addressed, though, it's just figuring out how that's the hard part. It will probably just happen at some indeterminate point in the future, seemingly out of nowhere, like everything else positive that's happened in my life. I've just gotta continue to walk around my circle aimlessly until something crosses it's path.
