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I am in a bizarre mood and needed some soul juice or something so I came here after years not doing so. I am happy you guys were here. Thank you all for that, being here and making me feel less alone in this life struggle.
To OP, my philosophy is I am not killing myself
1) because I don't have thje balls and don't want to make the people that love me sad.
2) and most importantly, this might very well be the only ride we get at life, I might as well play the only game I have until the end. Even if it is often shitty or confusing.
We don't have a purpose, we don't have a meaning. Just try to accept yourself and help the people that are where you have been before. There are some spots of light worth fighting for. Just take the path you prefer to find them.