>>8031927My ex fiance, who I'd been clinging on to hope that we'd fix things and get back together and move back in with one another, she finally broke it off via an email. She did it a few days before this previous Thanksgiving. And she did it knowing I was at my absolute lowest point, facing possible homelessness, crippling debt and the possibility of pancreatic cancer (thankfully turned out to not be cancer). She left me because I was not together.. I was still smoking weed compulsively, struggling to save money, struggling to get out of my depression.
Since then, I've been dating people I really don't like, because I can't stand being alone... A lot of people in my life left me without warning. My mother (drugs), my earliest and closest childhood best friend (drugs and unknown reasons), my father (abusive both psychologically and emotionally), my eldest sister (moved half way across the country to escape my mother and father). All of my closest friends are online, and they're settling down and having kids... I'm so utterly alone all the time and I'm terrified it's going to make me kill myself, even though I'm still young. But dating women who I can't stand to be around, just to bide my time until I can hopefully find someone truly special, but even that's a terrifying idea, because then what happens if I ruin it? I ruined the last one...
Even now, I quit smoking and drinking about a week before Christmas... I've been stone sober since then, and every single day I think about ending it... But I don't, because that might hurt the few people I do have left in my life that I care deeply about. Whether they care about me or not (and I'd like to think they do). I literally have to counteract suicidal thoughts with the thoughts of how they'd react when they find out. It's honestly the only thing that keeps me around
I know I'm being weak... But I'm trying my best... I don't know what else to do but fake being less weak than I know I am...
