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I hate that I'm me. In annoying, stupid, and not fun to be around. I truly loathe the fact that I force myself to be around my friends. I know they just pity me. I know voice chats are better without me around. I know that I am forcing myself into their eyesight, and just out of the kindness of their hearts they put up with me.
They deny it all and say they enjoy being around me but I know that's bullshit. I rant about self loathing shit all the time and none of their arguments get through, how could they enjoy that?
I know I can't improve. Countless times I have tried and proven this. I am in a stalemate of self loathing and hatred with the inability to improve, and I dont want to force that onto others. I've thought about deleting snap, discord, everything just cause of how annoying I am. But my selfishness kicks in like the scum I am and I dont.
I am a useless sack of shit that makes those around me feel bad enough to put up with me. I hate that I put them in that position. I hate me
