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I understand so much. I feel like I think myself out of ever wanting to get better. In a lot of ways I feel I deserve to be miserable because I am an awful person. I know that I have to work to be better, but I choose to be lazy to give myself more reasons to hate myself. Not that I need help on that front. I've pushed away every friend and family member I've ever had. I don't even have a drug habit or leech off anyone. I live on my own and pay for all my own shit and don't even smoke pot. I'm just a boring, depressing worthless downer of a person with nothing to offer anyone. Not romantically or in a friendship or a family member or anything. Lately, the only reason I don't kill myself is because I'm a fucking pussy, I can't do it. and because the one shred of humanity I have left doesn't let me think its fair or equal to leave people I love to suffer more in a world I hate so much because I feel I deserve the easy way out. I don't. I deserve to be here and be alone, and in pain, and hate myself. Even if an opportunity to get better or leave presents itself, I can't ever let myself take it. I'm worthless, ugly, alone forever and so fucking stupid and lame and every bad thing in the world. I was a mistake, never meant to be born. Not even special in that way, or any way. Just. fucking. trash.
