Quoted By:
26/m
I broke someone's heart a few years ago.
Bad.
I couldn't cope with the guilt and I left the country. Lived off savings for years. I'm in NY now and barely just restarted my life. Applying to a school for a master's degree to make up for all my wasted years.
I'm not even sure why I'm doing it. On face value it's because I hated my mechanical engineering jobs and I want to switch to finance. I know it won't make me any happier, but I don't know what else to do.
I still think of her every day. I'm not even religious, but I used to pray at every single night, asking for a miracle that would bring me back together with her. Even though I knew it wouldn't come true. Perhaps it's better that I destroyed what we had. Perhaps I ended up saving her from future misery with such a wretched man.
I don't believe this either. I believe I would have treated her great and be a great husband and father for her children. This makes it even worse that I took it away from her.
I switched from praying for us to come back together to praying that she'd be happy. I bargained with god, asked of him that he take any shred of happiness I'd have and will ever have and give it to her. I've never forgiven myself and I never will.
The praying stopped after a while. I guess subconsciously I didn't want to make myself sad before each sleep, so I just started to "forget" to pray. Or maybe it's just that I didn't really believe that something would happen in the first place.
I'm engaged now, to someone else. This one doesn't suspect a thing about my depression, but then again I've always been a fantastic liar/actor. She's smart, beautiful, funny, loyal; but she'll never make me feel like the one I betrayed made me feel. I barely remember the feeling. It's as if one would try to remember summer in their childhood. A fleeting feeling, yet I can still sense it. Home. Warmth. Love. Happiness. Replaced now with longing, misery, bitterness and anger.
