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Im truly sorry for your loss anon. My dad committed suicide about 3 years ago and I can totally relate to you, I completely lost my mind. Turned to drugs after drugs, bottle after bottle trying to find an answer through escape because I just could not handle reality, i was slowly killing myself and thought it would never get better and I should just kill myself because I can't stand seeing my mom torn apart from a man who truly was the loving foundation of our family, he was my best friend and not a day goes by in which I dont think of him. Sometimes when someone opens the door to my room a part of me thinks my dad is going to walk in and ask if I wanted to go throw the football or ride a bike like we did as kids. He was a great dad and Im sure your father was amazing as well. Its fucking hard man, developing depression just like he did and starting to understand how he felt like he was getting backed up into a corner with nowhere else to go, no future, and no hope. Stay strong anon, it will get better eventually, im always fluctuating from pushing towards being a person that my mom and dad would want me to become by going to classes and doing my best but many times these monsters in my head pull me back down into self medication and feeling completely destroyed. It sucks anon, all I have to say is... this to, shall pass. Believe me
