Quoted By:
It's been six years since I graduated high school. In that time, I dropped out of college, went back, got two degrees and now i'm back at square one. Whenever I think about my chosen field, my blood runs cold. The people who I thought were my mentors were only out for themselves, which became apparent when they refused to teach me anything and merely allowed me to crash and burn.
I've had a couple relationships in this time, the most serious one's parents hated me. They actually threatened to cut off her school funding unless she broke up with me. She did, and still defends her parents to this day. I've had no desire to seek out a relationship since, even with a healthy desire for sex, the thought of having to deal with the vapid and shallow natures of most women disgusts me.
Recently, under the advice of some close friends, I went to the doctor and was given the diagnosis of severe depression. I think back over the last decade of so and wonder if that's been a shadow over my life the whole time. Regardless, with that knowledge and on meds, I've found it even more difficult to control, resorting to cutting myself on one occasion. It felt good. A real, tangible feeling to my pain that I could overcome. I've yet to do it again, not so much for my own benefit, but more because I know I probably shouldn't.
And with that, I'm set to return to college, in a whole new course, line of work, whole new life. It feels stale, but it's better than that cold, anxious feeling I get about my current degree. I'm actually feeling pretty apathetic as I write this, which is good. The last few days have been filled with a feeling of constant anxiousness on the border of panic.
Nothing works. Nothing helps. I cover my desktop with anime tits and fill my time with games to avoid alcohol (which makes me feel great) and cutting myself again. And I don't care.
