>>7805788>I feel tired. Life has beaten me down and I just wanna lay down and rest til its over, but I also wanna fight through it and better myselfI fucking hear you friend.
My mom had a nervous breakdown after her brother died in 2013. Huge family drama, became an alcoholic, quit her job. I moved home in 2016 to help her out when her alcoholism was out of control and savings dried up so my sister didn't have to pay for everything and finish getting her degree at the same time. Sister and I successfully sent her to rehab, doesn't drink anymore but she's still spinning her wheels. Broke as fuck and was diagnosed with MDS last year. Refuses chemo - not at the big C stage yet but gets blood transfusions every month. I pay for everything - sis chips in when she can.
During all this I obviously needed more money so I moved into full-time at my wageslave retail job and realized how much I hated it. Learned some very real lessons about how the world works and got depressed, thought it was because of shitty retail job. Fought tooth and nail to escape, worked some shitty office jobs, finally escaped to a decent clerical job that pays really well but now I'm realizing the problem wasn't the job, it was me. Something in me has broken and I just don't care anymore. I hate working. I achieved it, the 'good' job that pays well, has good benefits, and isn't back-breaking or too mind-numbing, but it all just feels like golden handcuffs to me. I go through the motions every day and I'm tired all the time. Part of me wants life to just end but some remnant of me from long ago clings to the idea that it can get better. I budget to save money, exercise, draw, hang out with friends, take care of my family and my gf, but I have no idea why I do it. I have no concrete goal in any area, I just do it to hold on to some notion that it will get better and I'll be glad that I did it all someday.