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I'm currently struggling with myself. I'm a freelance english teacher becsuse I can't find a job and nobody will hire me. I am also not certified in any way so I'm just trying my best not to disappoint the few students I have. I feel like a hack and a loser. They seem happy with my classes. I am trying really hard but I feel I could do so much better.
Also thanks to corona I won't be able to spend Christmas with family. it'll be my first christmas completely alone as they're around 60.000 Km away from where I currently live. I like being alone, I like my company but lately my brain is betraying me and making me feel bad about myself. I spent two years studying and struggling to get some stability in my life and I'm kind of getting it, but I can't be happy about that for some reason. I struggle to feel proud of anything I do, so I end up just doing nothing.
I feel that in a moment it'll all be over, My small successes and stability will be ripped off my hands and I will be back into being miserable and trying to find a way to maintain myself. I don't know guys, I'm hiding it so that people important to me don't see I'm in a bad place. Everytime i try to open up, close people to me are kind of harsh and I just don't want yo disappoint. But it's dawned on me how dark of a place I'm in now mentally and it's kind of destroying my will to get out of bed.
