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I'm 25, about to graduate college. I failed three semesters (not because of difficulty, I just couldn't get out of bed anymore) then dropped out for two years. I worked a horrid restaurant job for two years, surrounded by flirty, but uninterested girls, and acoholic, stoner men.
I one day stopped drinking, smoking, &c, mainly so I could focus better while reading. I one day realized I would never kill myself because I was always saying "I'll do it after I finish reading X," and that list was ever expanding.
I used to be shy and have depression. Actually diagnosed after I, as an emotional and stupid teen, cut my arm up into ribbons.
I'm not those things anymore. I'm not depressed, just . . . empty. I'm not shy, just . . . uninterested. Everyone I've ever known disappointed me. I don't think I have high expectations: anyone who is good for me would be worth keeping, someone who is bad for me isn't.
And here I am. This is my last semester, two Bachelors in Political Science and History. I've had a 3.8 since returning, though my earlier grades drag that down. I don't think I'm ugly, and I stay in "average" shape. Run a mile most days, lift for 15mins, etc.
I have no friends. I've never been kissed.
I'll graduate and probably work minimum wage jobs until I die. I don't have connections, and I can't bring myself to make them. Again, dealing with people, being fake, it's all tiresome. I just want one real moment with someone.
I'd like to meet a nice girl who's sad and reads and thinks too much, and maybe then at least one thing would make sense. But that will never happen.
I will remain alone, poor, and a failure forever.
There is no escape.
Have my fave' pape.
