>>6939852I was not unaware I may be different than most of my peers. I began to suspect something might be wrong with me after having the same job, girlfriend, city, friends(all gone by now), education, how I use my free time, even largely my internet habits. I've developed no major real skills, hobbies or passions. These things have all been stagnant since highschool, now 27. Some I like to stay that way, i like my gf and she is the one thing i dont regret keeping the same, but she is as lost as I in her own ways. the others, ive been selfdefeating for my entire adultlife. i'm not even too worried about it either lol. But, there is a certain hole in my life. I don't expect to ever exorcise this from my personality and thoughts. I am moving past the "coping" stage and am trying to confront some of the deeper conflicts my goals have with this philosophy. just to facilitate some usefulness from my decisions even if I can't stop myself from seeing the pointlessness. That's the biggest wound nihilism inflicts. you don't make decisions in general. and honestly, life has a way of making some of them for you and the consequences for ignoring the others, well I can ignore the consequences pretty easily as they usually involve me suffering. I've accepted my own suffering doesnt matter so I'm okay with that. that is not a sustainable way for a living organism to behave. It's like I brainwashed myself, I've thought of perhaps trying some cult-deprogramming techniques, but why bother hahah, god it sucks, because on an intellectual level I know and want to make changes. I did figure out that basically, I can pick my virtues, build them from scratch. I just need to figure out a method for sorting out which are worth it. some ppl seem to just go for the easy set of rules and pick a religion, but thats like buying a prebuilt pc when you can make a 10x better one by picking parts for your own. I'm a faggot tho, will probably pick some fight club shit.
