>>785225325 here. Life's a meme. I'm so fucking bored of it but on the other hand, every time I meet people or do something out of line I get sweaty hands, my heart rate goes up,... you know the usual bullshit. I don't identify with those feelings but it just happens and that's the way it is apparently. I'm playing a role that I don't want to play. Sometimes when I walk somewhere I stop and think of spontaneous out of line things I could do to prove that I still have control over myself but I never do them. I'm not scared at that moment. I feel nothing but a wall. It's like someone stole the keys from my keyboard and only left a "continue boring shit" - key. I've started to meditate to get out of this mindset but it's not really helping. One thing I have noticed is that I'm thinking ahead too much. If I stop doing that life gains some soul and I gain some peace but it also takes my ability to dream and speculate which again takes all motivation to change anything. All in all, it feels like all my actions are deterministic and the only thing I can change is my perspective on life. Right now it's about 9pm. I could go outside for a night walk and take my beer with me. There's certainly a part of me that wants to do that but I won't. I don't know why. I'm not sure what kind of wall that is. Every 2-3 days I keep having the same thoughts about that.
