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A lot happened for me in 2017. On New Years Day of 2017, I had my first shroom trip and simultaneously left my Christian faith. I come from a very strong, conservative, Christian household. Neither my parents, close friends, or wife know that I've left the faith.
I got married in June. I was told by my boss at work that the first two years of marriage are the hardest. And he was right. I love my wife and I love each other to death, but I'm learning new levels of human on human relationships.
I work the night shift. I sleep from 9am to 3pm everyday. For the eight hours I'm at work every night, I have close to no human interaction. I left with my own thoughts. I've started writing again in this new year. I mainly focus on sci fi.
I find joy in writing. Even if I may never be published someday. Even though I'm more content, I still have lonely thoughts. I still think about whether or not this live is real. I think about how Elon Musk believes we're not in base reality. I keep on trying to think of what true reality may be like but I still have no idea.
I could be a brain in a jar. I could be a simulation, some for of the Sims where some spirit alien is just getting his shit and giggle. I could be a reflection of the universe as Alan Watts says.
The thing that terrifies me most is that I won't know the truth until I die. I'm constantly questions whether the life I've chosen is the best one. If I'm doing the best and right thing at work. If I'm doing the best and right thing for my wife. If I'm doing the best and right thing with my drug addicted brother. Could I be more successful? Could I be working harder?
I guest it comes down to impatience. Only time will give answer to these questions and I have a hard time waiting for answers.
I live an individualistic life. I wonder if everyone knows something that I don't, in a very paranoid fashion. I wonder if I'm not smart enough to ever figure out the truth.
I wonder if any of you are real.
