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made a difficult decision today. my lover dumped me and ive spent the last week or so in a lucid state just processing it all. i cant seem to keep a lover for more than a few months; but everytime it's been through no fault of my own. one ghosted me, the rest were mutually agreed upon. it's been really difficult trying to keep my self-esteem intact. i feel unlovable even with all the assurance in the world that i am. the difficult decision i made is something akin to suicide. i just deleted, replaced, or destroyed almost any way to contact or find me and i plan on moving soon. my circle of friends was just too depressing; not to mention the fact they are all friends with my ex. i feel held back by them and all their childish bullshit they were constantly putting me through. i just need a fresh start. which sucks. ive never had a stable period of my life. i never went to a school for more than 3 years; ive never kept friends for longer than 3 years; ive never lived in the same place for more than three years. it's fucking depressing. im a perpetual outsider. i just want to feel wanted. i want to settle into a comfortable rhythm. but here i am. swept along by the current of my life. always on the cusp of drowning in my own loneliness. im not even ugly or socially inept. im actually quite charming and find it very easy to make friends with people. my issue is i cant keep in one place for long due to outside circumstances be it divorce, eviction, or natural disaster. i want to be in the settlement walls; im tired of living in the refugee camp with all the rejects. they disgust me. im tired of being used, trampled on, and blamed for others problems. im tired of instability. im just so tired. i want to be surrounded by beautiful people who love and trust me and i want to do good by them. i want to dance and laugh and share cigarettes and fresh bread. curse these slums full of ugly faggots and all their problems. they've never reciprocated anything ive ever done for them
