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Been living alone for the past 3 years, and I mean alone, no people, pets, not even a plant.
I try to keep busy and self improve,but the steps are glacial and they don't help much. Most attempts at romance parallel the challenger shuttle launch, partially because I refuse to invest in them anymore, but largely because I just really don't care. The sex isn't worth it, the emotional comfort was never there, and the rest is just work.
I feel distant from most people, they don't even feel like genuine people anymore, they don't say what they mean, it's just noise to fill the space.
I understand the silence can be unnerving but I feel they're more afraid of their own thoughts than what I might actually think.
I have some long term friends online, the only thing that truthfully maintains the friendship is that I keep a good distance, they're friends of convenience, they're not there to help, they never were. Not to say that I'm any better, just that it all feels farcical for the most part. Better than nothing, I certainly don't make for much better company, if I did I wouldn't feel the need.
It's all just noise, distractions.
I get older every year, I watch people do bold things and I wonder... if I ever cared enough to be like them would I be any happier? Then I remind myself if's count for nothing. I am what I am, my depressive brain doesn't care what I want, and neither does the universe.
I've delved into meditation to try and stop my mind, I gave it a few decades to come up with something worthwhile, obviously it hasn't done so well, hence the meditation.
I took a trip last year, had to save every penny for over a year, but it was actually fun, I felt alright for once, in motion.
Was planning to do it more this year but obviously life had other plans, so I'm whining on a wallpaper board instead.
Life's nothing but the moment, savor it
