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Wasn't gonna say anything but I'm feeling a little down.
Ever since I was young I had a bad habit where I would watch a cartoon or a movie or whatever and begin to idolize characters I had seen. I try to emulate them as much as I can, so for example if I idolized a character who was really good with computers I would look into programming or whatever.
These 'spells' vary in length between a week to a couple of months, during which I simultaneously feel like a loser and king of the world. I become full of passion at the start, but I still don't feel like if my idol were to meet me they would like what they saw. Eventually the passion and motivation fizzle away but the feelings of low worth stay the same, prompting me to just say "screw it, I'll never be good enough". That's when I go back to my plain old boring emotionless self till the next time.
As I get older this is happening less and less which might seem like a good thing but without them I'm nothing. The only time I get positively excited about something is when I know that if I become a better person then I could be friends with this fictional character. These periods of motivation don't last long enough for the self improvement to have any real effect so even after years of it I'm still a worthless human being.
Didn't mean to write so much but I've never told anyone about this so sorry if I rambled. It just hurts a lot to be like this, to be so enthralled by something for such a short period, giving up and then looking back at that character with very little emotion even though I would have died for them (seriously) a month ago. To top it off there's more down the rabbit hole but I'd rather not share that.
