>>7684399I know its been a few weeks anon, I hope youre in a better place now.
I was in a very similar situation a few years back, she was older and had been with some guys before, I was a virgin at 20.
The only relationship I had had till that point was with my best friend of 10 years but we were both so awkward and in college so it was long distance and honestly she was way more into me than I was her (loved her as a friend) and it just fell through and we are no longer friends.
I lied to the girl and said I had been with someone, for the exact reasons you talk about, I didnt want to seem pathetic. But you know what, all those feelings and that lie built up and by the time we were getting intimate a couple weeks in I couldnt get hard. Nada. Nothing. My own issues mixed with the lies Stress led to stress and I was in a dark place, eventually I crawled out of it but it was incredibly frustrating and self inflicted.
That relationship ended up lasting a year and I have only great memories, in the last 3 years Ive been with several other women (currently in amazing 1.25 year relationship), my confidence has gone way up and I realize that issues like yours and mine are a passing thing, a relic of expectations we never wanted to meet and became bitter that perhaps we couldn't even if we had wanted to.
Believe me stick it out, live in the moment and if you cant stop these feelings from coming learn to manage them or learn to update them when you feel you've changed to a better place. Step by step! Best of luck