Quoted By:
I don't really know what I feel anymore, except anger. I have nothing to show for the past decade. I am poorer, sadder, more isolated, more dependent, less productive, less passionate, less inspired, angrier, and stupider than I was a ten years ago. My work appears to be no closer to its long-term goals. I'm still beholden to the same vices (pornography, laziness, internet distraction, cowardice), and I'm still sighing over the same relationship that never was.
A recent data loss left me without my creative works of the past 7 years, and I've lost around 98% of my net assets. I was planning a new business when the capital to get started vanished. Health issues make it somewhat dubious whether I will be able to continue in my chosen work. Before that, a head injury left me forgetful and mentally weak. I used to be able to think about problems, contend with them, and solve them. Now, my mind slides off the surface of any problem I try to think about, and I hardly even notice, or care for long when I do notice. I don't know what to do or how to proceed with anything in life; I can't figure out what is best, and I don't know if what I've been doing all this time was a mistake or if I just need to keep doing it and endure the consequences.
Some people might be suicidal in my position, but I'm not. Those thoughts and fantasies have come and gone for so long that I don't take them seriously much anymore. I recognize them as the thoughts of an attention-seeking child. On the contrary, I believe in the holy merit of suffering. To a well-ordered Christian, suffering is a gift from God: an invitation to join Him in His eternal sacrifice. I have asked for suffering, and I have what I have asked for. I don't regret the asking, I don't need all the problems to go away, but I wish I didn't let myself get angry and sad over them, and wallow in the anger. I wish I could bear all this well. I wish I could figure out what to do.
Anon, thank you for the best feels thread in years.
