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I dont mean this in an edgy, faggy attention seeking way, but a few months ago I began to see how I shared many traits similar to how a real nihilist thinks and behaves. just like all those other trendy labels bs artists adopt for attention, the real deal is never the romanticized version . The final outcome for a human being who adopts nihilism, either through nuture or nature(probably combination), is a sad creature. To truly lack values isn't really a choice one makes. It's a sign of an inability to be emotionally invested in things, among other possible defects. I never called the way I thought this, as it was always just how I operated. Sometimes, I will get flashbacks to a different feeling in my brain entirely. I will be at work, unstimulated and probably a little hypnotized, and out of nowhere a wave of relief will overcome me. It feels like a moment of clarity, and I will feel a sudden unmistakable example of an emotion I was once intimately familiar with. So familiar, but long untasted. It was eerily similar to the pleasure of drinking water after a hot day. Some of the emotions I remember killing off only a few years ago, the need for I knew and understood. I cannot pay my debts, I killed my anxiety over this for my own survival I think. I am now ambivalent about my credit despite its situation. this has stopped me from feeling anxiety about things I really should.
Now nihlism doesn't extend to just your relationships or your feefees. It becomes impossible to choose values or virtues. You basically see the pointlessness in everything. It becomes the big glaring flaw in any goal, dream, just tenets to live your life by. What's the point in paying for an uber to walk home? I will just walk 2 hours home from work because my suffering is pointless, my life won't matter in a million years. under nihilism, sacrifice has no point. I still cannot shake the seed for these ideas and my life has been on pause for a decade now.
