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Can't shake the feeling that I'm not enough for my husband. He's such an amazing person and he's been absolutely essential this year, I couldn't have made it this far without him after a bad injury, losing my job and my sister dying; he was there for me through every second of the worst of it and never complained, never lamented how hard our life has been, never hesitated to tell me he loves me with the same glimmer in his eye as when we first started dating.
And yet, I can't escape the frustrating and panic-inducing sensation that eventually, he's going to get tired of me and decide his time is better spent elsewhere. And then the very idea that a part of me is worried he'd abandon me makes me feel even more guilty, it just feeds on itself. My worry about our future is inversely proportional to our actual circumstances; in early 2021, we were dealing with some horrible shit. Close friend dying, losing our house, my psycho cousin trying to kill me, getting in a car wreck that beat the shit out of me, and through all of it there was this feeling like we were two swashbucklers just taking what the world had to throw at us and making it work, and never once I doubted our future, and now, technically speaking, things are so much better and stable and yet I lay awake some nights with scenarios playing out in my head about him breaking the news to me over breakfast that he's done with me and wants to break it off, and the idea of that scenario breaks my fucking heart. Every time I voice these concerns he always has sweet words and a kiss that make me feel better, but the irrational fear is still there. I just love him so fucking much and I don't want to screw this up. The last 15 years of my life are an ugly chronicle of ruined relationships, but this is the best one I've ever had and I absolutely cannot let it slip away like the others. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and it's not even close.
