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In just 2 years I've been left alone by everyone I love and it's hard to accept that I deserve it. I have just turned 21 and I just can't find motivation to keep on growing professionally or academically. I've been depressed for 4 years now, on and off of medication and I just don't see how I can regain joy for living again.
I'm just existing. I don't want material goods, a good house, a good life. I just want to be around those who I love but it fucking kills me to know that they don't want me around anymore.
The only thing I sorta enjoy is helping others, doing charity stuff and trying to be a good person. It's like my way to compensate that I am a fucking waste of resources, a useless human being, a piss of shit that can't appreciate how comfortable and privileged his life is. If I could just give any suffering person the chance to live my life, with my healthy body and resources, I would. I don't deserve it because I don't appreciate it enough.
I just want to die guys. I'm tired of pretending to my parents that I am making progress with my meds. I'm tired of giving them hope of seeing their child being successful, rich and happy. I cant pretend that j want to be alive anymore and it's so fucking depressing I can't talk about this with anyone I love and I feel I'm just abusing my parents money by going to a therapist.
I'm so, so done. I'm so sad. I have tried so hard to get better but I can't.
