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i dont know anything anymore. ive recently ruined most of my irl relationships on purpose, saved one, but they started looking to me more and ended up learning how fucked up i am, and i used to be somewhat in love, but for some reason i hate her now. i feel like shit because i have no reason to hate her, and should love her more for caring. but i can only really be obsessed with 1-2 people at a time.
life overall has been a butt to me. two days away i have a psychiatrist evaluation, ive been ruining everything, over-reacting and perceiving to the point of refusing to leave my room in fear of getting killed, bad depressive state again, hallucinations are back, and even a meal that isn't really simple is overwhelming me.
everyone keeps on telling me they care but its so obvious they dont (noones bothered to find me or ask me where ive been except a, and a isnt supposed to care about me in a way) and it feels awful knowin not even my therapist cares. they say im not depressed because i dont seem sad enough yet i cant even get out of bed or stand without someone physically helping me.
all im doing is spinning on my chair and watching the office. i feel trapped and in a paradox. i keep trying so hard to improve myself and self care, but i keep feeling the same and people push me to the start again.
if the psychiatrists dont care either im not trying again. people have been threatening that they will hero if i hero and i just want them to fuck off.
but, i do have some hope. like a. she is my fren. and m. my fren. i love my frens. we will make it. win win if we get to be happy because we will inevitably die anyways.
