>>7790150Feel like I lost my soul in the past year. That's why I'm here. Feels like I'm desperate for advancement, but there's no one who can help me, and I can't do it on my own, and I don't even know what I want or if it's possible or good even. Maybe I'm on the right path, and just don't know it. I feel comfortable, but I'm not progressing. I'm not learning, but maybe it's pointless to try to learn. Maybe I could never achieve the peaks I want to even if I tried, and isn't it bad to want impossible things? If it leads to self-destruction, is it good? I tried to kill myself last April, so I'm better than that. It feels like I've only used a smidgen of my potential, but I don't know where to go. I can't trust anybody. I don't feel safe anywhere. I almost died a few months ago, at somebody elses hands. Since then, I've become a cynic, a realist, but I feel like I gave up everything that made life worth living while becoming more comfortable. It feels like I've been ripped from something. It feels like the world I wanted to see will never truly exist. It feels like my soul cannot properly express itself anymore, like it's gritting it's teeth trying to scream. Like it's suffocating. I just want to be free, but I'm restrained by everything, so I give up, and the chains stop pressing into my skin. I'm depressed; deeply depressed, to the point I have no hope in the future, and I just give up and pursue comfort. I don't know what joy and elation are anymore. I don't know what beauty is anymore, not as much as a year ago. I don't know what it is to be sad. It feels like the world is ending, if it didn't end already. I'll just be a husk for the rest of my days, but there's nothing I can do. No plan I can hatch up to escape, and no one's coming to save me. It feels a bit like the final scene of Brazil, where the camera zooms out, and it's just him sitting in a chair, with the two guys standing over him, one his torturer, and he says to the other, "yup, we lost him."
