>>7621783I've been alone for a majority of my life.
Even as a kid I hardly had any friends, the few I did ended up not being very good ones.
My brother took pity on me sometimes, tried to bring me along to stuff but I usually didn't have fun, preferred to just sulk and wander off. I don't know what it is about me, but I just never enjoyed human company too much. I've never meshed well with humans, and it's not an autism thing, I don't think. I can interact and read emotions fine, I pick up on social cues though with little practice I do fumble at times. I don't respond well to people in general, I can pretend for a while I can hold out for even a month if I need to but I'm always guarded, it's always a when not an if. This understandably has ruined any real chances at romantic relationships too, not that I ever put much stock in them anyway, I don't really want one and for the most part the feeling tends to be mutual.
I do have a few friends these days but even then, the only reason I can maintain them is they're very distanced, if I tried to make them closer things would just collapse, I'd react poorly or they would, blame doesn't really matter to me it's obvious I'm the common denominator in all these situations, I just don't know why I'm so disconnected. For all the glorifying I hear from people about how through life it's the connections you make that matter most, I can't even begin to fathom this reality. It's like someone tying down anchors to themselves in the middle of an ocean and calling them blessings, it's completely antithetical to my total human experience.
>cont. 