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I think I had my first panic attack the other night, and it got me thinking maybe I had some in the past. But It could've also been from the dinner I had (Cuban Torta) not sitting well with my stomach... Or worse, it was both things fucking me up.
I believe what triggered it was remembering unpleasant aspects of my previous relationship followed up immediately with a what-if scenario I imagined where I coldly would mansplain to my ex in a text that I understand the exact reasons we aren't compatible anymore, and knowing her personality it would piss her off and suddenly I didn't like myself for even considering it a thing I might do.
This was all after a night of learning about counterdependent personalities, and realizing I used to be that way... like really that way. I have slowly been moving out of that, listening to all my friends and assuming they care about the random shit I think about and about my feelings instead of pretending I got everything under control I vent to them a lot more than I ever would in the past, but for some reason when it comes to forming a new relationship with someone there is still a huge wall of doubt and this feeling that maybe things are better when I am alone, which falls squarely/neatly into that counterdependent personality type. I personally think it's reasonable to avoid potential hurt by being so hesitant (of course I do) but I gotta speak up eventually or live with the regret, which I feel a part of me is all too willing to let it happen that way. I just need to suck it up eventually but for now I'd rather hold off on it.
I don't think I will come back to this thread, I didn't really have much to say to reply to anyone but I felt like joining in on the venting.
