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I'm alone, and it's my fault. I'm 25, still living with my dad out of financial necessity. I worked my ass off to pay my way through school and earn a chem degree with good grades, only to find out the entry level jobs pay nothing. Should have known that earlier, but when I was in school I had no real plans for what would come after. I lost my first lab job at the start of the pandemic, then started drinking. After that I spent a year working a shit office temp job because I didn't know what else to do at first. Then I lost my ambition to find something I wanted because I was too busy drinking myself into blacking out every night and wallowing.
Throughout this period of time I've managed to ruin most of my relationships with my friends who I once thought would be there for life, either because of how I acted when I was drinking or because they're busy with their own changing lives. Same goes with the girlfriends I've had, who I treated like shit until the relationships all came to an end.
When I look at my life over these last couple of years all I have are regrets. Regret for my lack of ambition. Regret for how I've treated my family, friends, and love interests. Regret for letting my physical and mental health slip. There was more than one night I blacked out with my pistol in my mouth.
A few months ago I got a new lab job where I feel like I can actually develop professionally. I work hard, learn a lot, and I enjoy it. I've recognized I'm an alcoholic, or at least have the tendencies of one, and have my drinking under control. I'm generally living in a healthy way again.
But the reality of my situation hits me hard some nights. My actions have isolated me. I have nobody to look forward to seeing. Nobody to talk to besides my dad, who is in worse shape than I ever was. I don't have the emotional energy to even try to fix things with the people I hurt. I'm drained, alone, and uncomfortably numb. Sometimes I wonder why I try. Just gotta keep my head up I guess.
