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Was on an SSRI for a couple months to help with anxiety and depression. Killed my anxiety but also my emotions. The SSRI also did nothing for my depression besides make me want to kill myself more, even though I'm over the age at which that's supposed to be a clinical concern. Contrary to what my psychiatrist recommended I stopped taking it altogether instead of tapering it off. I have spells of dizziness and mildly blanking out whenever I turn my head, and it feels like exploding head syndrome which I've never experienced while fully awake. I only thought today that these could be small seizures, but I feel that's too paranoid to seriously indulge.
Now trying an NDRI and I have my emotions back and I feel better generally, for now. I know it won't last: I'm still addicted to porn, still cannot commit to anything, and not making any progress in my life. It turns out I don't have the strength to "feed on the acorns and grass of knowledge, and for the sake of truth, to suffer hunger of soul." My emotions and impulses not only encumber free thought but even the pursuit of it. My weakness makes me a loser by any measure.
I would need to hoard pills for ~6 months to even attempt suicide that way, and even then the rate of effectiveness is lower than I'd like. I've thought about an exit bag in the past but I don't know if I could get 14 cubic feet of nitrogen even if I could afford it, not to mention the terrifying possibility of bungling a flow regulator setup. The only relatively easy short-term way out that doesn't make too much mess is electrocution. As I understand it, though, houses are built with safety measures to mitigate electrocution injury, and I really don't need to be more retarded. I just don't want to exist. If a gun fell out of the sky I would use it.
Metroid ROM hacks are a nice distraction, though.
