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hello anons. i've been struggling recently to know what i really want out of life. the usual mid-20s thing i guess.
i'm currently studying law. i'm doing pretty well academically, have a competitive portfolio and by all metrics stand a pretty good chance of finding well-paid employment. i have quite a few friends and i'm enjoying my current hobbies. so by all metrics i feel like i would be happy. like plenty of people would want my life and would think i would be happy.
i've tried gratitude and it helps. i really do appreciate everything that goes well in my life. but i somehow feel like something's missing. like i don't know what this is all for like i don't know if i'm doing things because i want to do them or because it's expected of me. i like what i'm studying and i'm good at it but it still feels miserable at times. i suppose there's a lot of stress. i feel like people expect me to do well based on past performance and if i can't deliver on that, i'm lesser somehow. they don't say it to my face explicitly but i somehow still feel it. i don't know, maybe having everyone have no expectations would be worse?
this summer i don't really have much of a break. i'm squeezing in as many internships as i can handle. i feel like the pressure of keeping up with everyone around me is constant. and i just wonder if this is what life is like now will it really get any better? is this really all going to be worth it?
my grandfather got dementia a few years back and looking at his slow decline it's scaring me a little. he worked really hard until his 80s and after retirement he had nothing to do. that's how the dementia started. is that going to be me? and empty husk after retirement, devoid of purpose and meaning now that work has let me go?
i don't know what i want. or if i know in my hear but i just lack the courage to pursue it.
