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I was the ugly duckling of my class in elementary and middle school, so I decided to switch to a highschool in another town. Thankfully, I managed to make good on my fresh start, and I finally came into my own.
This meant I was finally interacting with people, and they were interacting with me; including girls. A few times we would get close, even touchy-feely with each other, but I never went in for a kiss or anything because I remembered the feeling of being undesirable. I was certain that no girl wanted me, and I resolved to never even consider making a move. I rationalized my position, saying to myself, "if she wants me, she'll make a move."
None of them ever made a move, no matter how close we got.
Its been two years since then, and I'm living with my parents while going to community college in my hometown. I don't know if I'm the ugly duckling I was, because I have contact with no one these days. I belong to no groups. I have no childhood friends to reminisce with. I made friendships during highschool, but they proved transient with the distance and changes in interests. People are doing their own things now.
My grades are strong, I'm becoming well-read, I eat healthy and get plenty of exercise, I've developed discipline and even a fledgling spirituality.
I just have no one to share it with.
I'm not stressed, I'm not anxious, I'm not even sad. I feel like I have the foundation and materials for a good life, but no one to share it with. I feel like I have all this potential, just dangling, waiting for the moment, the drop, the instance I need for all the pieces to come together to create something beautiful; to start an inter-generational legacy that will get my family back on track, and make my ancestors proud.
No one comes though. No one is there. I can't think of a girl I find desirable today.
I dont worry though. Whenever I find her, I'll remember the time I spent looking.
I'll know that time will have been worth it.
