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I have a lot of adequacy issues; I coasted easily through school, taught myself Latin, took night classes, but nothing seemed to make my mother happy. I missed getting into Camrbidge University by a hair's breadth, and the feeling of failure - not just that I had failed, but that I had actively wasted the potential I had - really began to unravel whatever self-esteem I had left. Then, just before I went to the uni I did get in to, I went on a routine visit to the hospital with a schizophrenic friend of mine. He ended up being commited that day, and I had to sit with him for seven hours trying to make him smile. My best friend from high school has also been deeply unhappy for many years, and has told me that if it wasn't for my being around, he'd have killed himself already. I've been unhappy too, and it's been incredibly draining for me to keep supporting my friends, even though I love them. For a while I felt like the only thing keeping my component parts together was the pressure of looking out for other people.
Things are a bit better now, but this wallpaper reminds me of the importance of solitude, of taking time to be alone and building up a solid, incorrigible core of self upon which to rely and, if necessary, retreat into.
