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1/?
I never accepted suicide as an option. Everything in my life - every experience, every deeper thought and every punishment for doing wrong strengthens my belief in God. It just all seems connected and makes sense, it's also so warming to know there is a guy that knows you better than everyone ever has, that listens to your every thought and always understands, that doesn't care if you do awkward things, that gives you another chance, and that loves you more than anyone ever will.
Although I often have a weird sort of feeling. I don't know if it's depression. I feel very strong emotions when looking out of my room's window at night, from looking at call comfy wallpapers and imagining what emotions I'd feel if I was there, listening to music, from thinking about memorable experiences that people are having around the world and from remembering moments from the past of my life. It's like a weird nostalgic feeling, it's like you want to take away something from a thought or a place or a memory but you just don't know what. It nearly brings me to actual tears. Sometimes I feel like I hate it but I don't know if I'd really want to lose it.
I don't know yet what else is there to strive for other than being a good person and loving yourself, other people and everything that God created, if there is anything. The biggest battle I'm fighting right now is bettering my life from a shitty, state - defeating social anxiety, being healthier, beating porn addiction, picking up hobbies, being a better son - getting out of the state I'm in now. I'm learning and getting closer to breaking the barrier that's holding me back. After I do it I'll bite a bit of many things - go back to drawing (my childhood hobby), learn programming, try out making 3D things in blender, maybe put one of these game ideas I've been writing down to life. I hope when I get to a better state God will show me where to take another step.
