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I really screwed up. My best friend and "unofficial" girlfriend hasn't talked to me in about a month now and will never talk to me again.
She was moving halfway across the world and wanted an official relationship with me but I said no because of various (mostly stupid and selfish) reasons. We were more than friends with benefits over the summer where we opened our bodies and hearts to each other more than we had ever done with anyone else and I led her on so much and feel like a dick for doing so when I didn't even know what I wanted, so I can fully understand why she was shocked when I backed out of an official relationship with her. I tried so hard to fix things but ended up hurting her more and more, and screwing up over and over again until now she basically despises me and any sign of love or friendship we had over the years has turned completely sour to her.
I had never opened up to anyone or made myself so vulnerable to anyone else in my life and I feel so awful about letting a very special friend like that slip away from me. She taught me what it meant to love someone and I was the only friend that she ever had. I took something big away from both of us. I spend every second of every day thinking about her and all of the happy times flash through my head and eat me up while she just wants to forget about me and all of the times we shared together. I don't even blame her from thinking that way. So many little things remind me of her. I can hardly even indulge in my interests anymore because those are the some of the most special things that I shared with her so all they do is bring back those memories. I just miss her so much and feel so incredibly alone.
Sorry for being a melodramatic bitch but I just really felt like I needed to vent because I have been keeping that inside of me for a while now. Thanks for listening.
