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I turn 30 in a couple of days.
While my life isn't over, and I know that, I feel like I should have accomplished so much more. It feels like I stagnated after college and got a (admittedly decent paying) job. I'm bored. I'm tired. I want to do something else, but I lack the discipline to start pursuing it. Just as I lacked the discipline to accomplish the goals I had for this milestone.
What happens when I get tired of that career I want to pivot to? What if it doesn't give me the sense of fulfillment I'm searching for? Does getting to ask these questions make me privileged? Entitled? When I think about it, I think about what dreams cost. Like, my mother wanted to raise horses on a farm, the cost of this was most of the money my father made, and most of my, my sisters, and her time raising, training, and selling them. I think of all the things I missed out on in my youth that I couldn't do because I was too busy with the responsibility those animals. What does my dream cost? When I pay it, who else will have to pay?
I've never met anyone I was attracted to. I've never dated. I feel like I should put more effort into that, but the whole process seems like a pain in the ass. Whenever I think about it, my mind goes to how miserable my parents seemed to be. So the means and the end seem like they're more trouble than they're worth. I do feel lonely at times, but clearly not enough to motivate me to take any kind of action. If my internet history is anything to go off of, I'm pretty sure I'm not asexual or aromantic.
I dislike myself. I don't like the man I've become. I think the first step do being a better man would be to stop this negative self talk. I'm afraid that if I don't see myself as a terrible person, I will become a terrible person through my negligence.
