my dad passed away from a heart attack a couple years ago.
his wife called me while I was at work, told me, and I wanted to cry, but I just couldn't. it's not like I was trying to be some macho tough guy "real men don't cry", I just felt nothing, like emptiness. I'm sad he's gone. he left when I was a young lad, and I only ever got to see him a few times since he fucked off, so I don't know what he's like, I don't know his hobbies, I don't know anything about him.
I can easily blame myself, too, because I only reached out once to see how they were going. my only photos with him are from when I was just born, and the one time he and I scheduled a little camping get away, a drive through the bush and chilling by a lake, drinking a bit, and talking shit about work and whatnot, I was too in-the-moment to think to take any photos of us. I have no keep sakes, aside from fleeting memories.
I have no photos with my mum, either, I live a few hours drive away from her, she's been in hospital a few times lately from bumps/bruises (she drives the fuck off big interstate trucks for a living), has fallen off the truck bed a few times and at this point needs a hip replacement, but she also said she went and got a scan, and she may have cancer.
I just fucking don't know lads. I need to stop being a pathetic fucking retard, get my licence back (unironically expired, and I live too close to work/shops to have cared about getting it renewed), and just... go see her. go do something with her, spend a few hours or a day or more just doing something together, camping, kayaking, making candles, literally anything. but I'm too fucking "work work work" to do it, despite everything about myself wanting to book a week or two off, which would be quickly approved anyway
