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I can't believe this shit. Spent the whole of last night trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with this hunk of junk and all I did was smack it on the back of the case and now everything's running fine. Got a display on the monitor, fans are now spinning and everything is good. Fucking hell. For once my temper has been put to good use.
Still not 100% sure there's nothing wrong with it though. Will make another post once I get windows installed.