(I'd ask /g/ but they're assholes and trolls.)

I want to try and switch to Linux as my main desktop OS.
I am not a complete retard newbie and have had some experience with it during university. I used Debian at the time.
So, I'd just like some general pointers and advice on making this happen. Helping me pick the right distro and the right desktop environment would also help a lot.

My general expected use of the thing would be:
• 40% online browser use
• 20% gaming, although it's mostly Minecraft, CSGO and Paradox shit, so inb4 nogaems
• 10% anime watching, manga browsing, dick stroking. VLC, Quivi and qBitTorrent are all available for Linux so this is not a problem.
• 10% word processor & spreadsheet use. I love Microsoft Word and Excel, and trying to use LibreOffice in the past gave me AIDS. Google Sheets is an acceptable compromise, but I'd rather not go there. Is it possible to emulate MS Word on Linux?
• 5% Adobe programs use. This is non-negotiable and I refuse to use Gimp. How hard is it to install Photoshop and/or Premiere on Linux? (all obviously pirated lol)
• 10% programming use
• 5% music listening. AIMP isn't available naively for Linux, and foobar is shit. Are there any other options?

I don't completely understand the differences between distros, but my general impression is that they mostly differ in how hard it is to to install different software and how active/helpful/elitist the support community is.

Also, how much of a fucking retard I am for even attempting this?