>>900571to be honest OP, while I'm sure you know what your own needs are and whatever you want to do better than anyone else, this request seems very spiritually dark (or "toxic" you might say). there's an advice board where you can ask anything that's personal related
>>>/adv/which I've never visited and have pretty low expectations for (at the very least prepared to get trolled if you ask something there)...
anyways it's just frustrating to me that people have to be afraid of other people for reasons like this. the very worst moments of my life were always about being afraid of somebody's judgment, and i've had debilitating physical pain before.
you're never going to feel decent (imo) about anything until you find some way to stop taking other humans this seriously. philosophy, religion, idk... find a way. i'd even prefer you became a violent radfem like Valerie Solanas if it at least freed you emotionally (maybe she's a bad example for this because she's based anyways, idk)
